


Finding your way home

by OracleOfTheEnd



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: A bit of Ryder/Reyes, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avitus is not the turian Pathfinder, Depression, Fix-It, M/M, Minor Injuries, Ryder is a bit of a douche, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 09:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OracleOfTheEnd/pseuds/OracleOfTheEnd
Summary: Avitus refused to become the new Pathfinder and left for Kadara instead. Now he just tries to get by, but one job changes everything.





	Finding your way home

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any weird styling issues that might come up. Something went wrong with my writing program. I found one but there might be others.

It was funny, he thought as he stared down at the half empty glass of booze in his hand.

 

 A few months ago (hell, make that 600 something _years_ ) the only thing he was afraid of was his cryo pod malfunctioning. Just, going to sleep and not waking up at all. Now, everything was hell.

 

Sleeping meant dreaming and being awake... well, at least the alcohol helped with that. Or it used to. These days it just kept his hands from shaking.

 

Avitus cast another impatient look over his shoulder. The human who wanted him to bring him to the newly established outpost still hadn’t shown. He was beginning to suspect that one of them was in the wrong place. There were two bars in Kadara port after all.

 

He decidedly preferred the one down here in the slums. It might not be the cleanest or most trustworthy place, but at least the barkeeper kept pouring as long as he had credits to spare. And the view was a plus, too.

 

He took a deep sip and let his eyes wander up the guy who was dancing a few metres away in one of the cages. Turian, maybe half his age. _Nice hips_ , he thought and felt bad almost immediately afterwards.

 

If Macen could see him now, he would be ashamed for the both of them. But Avitus was long past caring. Macen was gone, and with him the only reason to even be in the spirits forsaken hell hole of a galaxy. So why not drink his credits away and look at a few nice guys dancing. He wasn’t the one that was dead after all.

 

The dancer winked at him as their eyes met across the room. Maybe after he was done with this job and had a few credits to spare he would go over and see if he could have some fun. Distract himself for a little while before thoughts of the ark would come back to haunt him. A warm body to chase away his lover’s dying words, Ryder‘s hand on his shoulder... but then, it would only be a temporary relief. Kinda like treating a missing limb with a slap of medigel.

 

 He kept watching the man’s movements for a few more minutes. The way his hips gyrated, the graceful arch of his back. He wondered what brought him in this place. Avitus could hardly imagine anyone travelling to a whole new galaxy only to shake his ass for a few exiles.

 

_You’ll see, Avi. It will be amazing. Just look at those charts. Or better yet, the pictures! There will be so much to discover and we will be there to do it all!_

An image of the day Macen first brought the Initiative’s offer home. The dozens of datapads, the excitement in Macen’s voice as he went on and on about theories and settlement plans. He had only understood about half of it, as usual when Macen talked about his work, but right now he would trade everything to be back in that moment. Just watching him walk around the room, all nervous energy, like he was just itching to go out and do it all right now, no moment wasted.

 

How he came to a stop in front of him, looked at him all expectantly, the suggestive look in his eyes as he leaned close to him.

 

  _What do you think, Avi? Wanna tag along?_

The harsh sound of a glass hitting the table in front of him brought him back to reality like a slap in the face. For a second he stared at the drink and didn’t even recognize what it was. When the hell had he even ordered a new one?

 

The rational part of his brain, the one that was always either Macen or Saren, depending on how much he hated himself that day, told him it was probably a bad sign that he didn’t remember. Either way he was glad for it. Too many ghosts today.

 

He was just about to reach for the drink, when a shadow fell over him and for an irrational moment he thought it might be the dancer who had come over to talk to him, but a short look confirmed the other turian was still safely behind the bars of his cage.

 

Avitus‘ left hand slowly reached for the gun on his hip, while he turned around to face whoever came over to disturb him. But instead of a few idiots out to steal his credits (or maybe even Ryder, he might have shot that one too) he was greeted with what looked like to be the most nervous human he had ever seen.

 

Standing a whole head shorter then Avitus himself - the same as Macen, he noted absently - the guy had a shock of greying blond hair and the sickly green skin tone of someone fresh out of cryo. The fact that he hopped from one foot to the other just added to the whole picture.

 

Avitus regarded him critically. Could that be-

 

„Are you Mr- Mr Rix?“, the guy asked in a voice barely above whisper and took a cautionary step back. Not that it would have helped him if Avitus was really in a mind to kill him, but that was information he might keep to himself right now. Guy looked scared enough as it was.

 

Made him wonder how bad he looked though. Probably pretty bad. Came with the place. But with so many memories he wanted to forget and so many drinks that waited to be downed, it was hard to care.

 

He motioned for the guy to sit down.

 

„Yeah. So you’re what was it... Mr Williams or something?“

 

Relieved that he apparently not just signed his death warrant the man basically melded into the chair opposite of his.

 

„Just- just call me Steven. Mr Williams is my father.“ He laughed nervously, but it dead down rather quick when Avitus didn’t react. Next, he eyes the drink on the table.

 

„I didn’t think you would be drunk for this.“, he continued with a high pitched voice that was already beginning to grate on Avitus‘ nerves. He sighed and emptied the glass in one fluid motion.

 

„If you had shown on time, than I wouldn’t have had the time to get drunk. But if it’s anything to you, it won’t be a problem, trust me.“

 

The guy - Steven, he corrected himself - didn’t look very convinced, but seemed anxious to get right back on the topic.

 

„So, what made you come to Kadara in the first place? I bet it was Tann, wasn’t it? He’s a real pain in the ass, huh?“

 

Avitus stared at him. It was almost amusing how obvious the guy was. He just wasn’t sure if he was actually worried or just trying to push the price they agreed on.

 

„I’m not an exile. I was on Ark Natanus, not the Nexus. Just arrived here the other month.“

 

Simply saying the name of that damned ship made him sick to the stomach and he had to use all of his willpower not to punch Steven in the face when he was awarded with the same stupid look of sympathy that everyone seemed to wear these days whenever his ark was mentioned.

 

„That... I see. That was quite the tragedy. I’m glad it was resolved though, right? Better than not knowing.“

 

_Sure, for you maybe._

 He had half the mind of cancelling the deal and just staying here for another drink. Instead, he stood up so abruptly that his opposite nearly knocked over his chair in hurry to follow.

 

Avitus stared down on him with much of the condescension he held for most humans these days.

 

 _It’s not their fault, Avi_ , Macen reprimanded him in his mind and he was right. It wasn’t their fault that the Natanus ran into so much trouble when the humans got away almost unscathed. But they didn’t have to rub it in his face all the time either. He didn’t need their _Could have been worse, right?_ and _We suffered too, you know?_

 

Some of it must have shown in his eyes, because Steven looked about ready to bolt.

 

„Sorry“, he said lamely and it didn’t even sound genuine to his own ears. „I had a rough month. We still have a few more hours of sunlight. If we hurry and don’t run into any trouble, we can be at the outpost by late evening.“  When the guy still didn’t move, Avitus sighed, got his rifle from under the table and made for the door.

 

„Look. You don’t have to come with me, I still have some credits to keep me going for a few days. Just take care outside. And stay away from the sulfur pits. I hear they are great for disposing bodies.“

 

He didn’t have to wait long after that before the human come scrambling after him. If it hadn’t been so sad he might have laughed at that guy. He probably would have been better off on Eos. Avitus gave him maybe a week in the outpost before he begged Tann to let him back into cryo. Still, the guy paid him and so he would bring him wherever he wanted.

 

They were out of the port for maybe half an hour before his client deemed the quite too uncomfortable and started chattering like an idiot. Was probably afraid of his own thoughts. Relatable, still annoying the ever living hell out of him.

 

„And what did you do before you came to Andromeda? I bet C-Sec or something like that, right?“

 

„Spectre.“

 

„Oh, really? That’s amazing. We had one too, right? Saved the Citadel and the Council as far as I hear it. Shame she died.“

 

„Yeah.“

 

He still remembered the whole thing well. And the shitstorm that followed. The interrogations, the accusations. Reports about everything he did, they even dragged in Macen for questioning.

 

_What do you think I told them? That you and Saren discussed your world domination plans over dinner?_

Avitus found himself smiling despite himself. Even with all the shit that came with being Saren’s former apprentice, being around Macen and his never ending talk about his work had somehow made it all better. Shame that party trick didn’t work anymore.

 

„Are you okay?“, the human next to him asked nervously. To cover up the tears that pricked at his eyes all of a sudden, Avitus dragged out his binoculars and pretended to scan for enemies.

 

„Just thought I heard something.“, he answered with a voice too rough for his own liking. The only satisfaction he got out of letting himself be caught of guard like that, was the fact that the human made one of those little squeaking sounds and proceeded to huddle behind him like a man seeking shelter from a storm.

 

„We should probably keep going?“, he asked and chanced a look past Avitus‘ shoulder to look for the invisible raiders. Avitus just shrugged and replaced the binoculars before proceeding down the rough path to the outpost. The human followed close behind, casting nervous looks behind ever so often.

 

Had Avitus known that telling the human he might have seen a few bandits would grant him a few hours of peace and quiet, he might have kept his mouth shut after all. The endless chatter of the guy might have been annoying, but now that is was gone, it was hard to escape his own thoughts. His hand stole to his hip, where he kept his flask, but soon found his emergency supply empty. _Figures_ , he thought bitterly and sped up his steps.

 

The sun was bearing down on them with unrelenting force und the smell of sulfur was everywhere, seeping into their clothes and making their heads spin with its strength. If only he had one of those Nomads Ryder used to drive around the planet. Probably pathfinder-only stuff. Macen would have loved it. Would have spent more time improving the thing than actually driving it, but still. Avitus shook his head. It was no use thinking about would-have-beens.

 

No wonder he was almost grateful when his companion reluctantly started talking again.

 

„So, did you come to Andromeda all by yourself?“

 

„No, you?“

 

„No, not at all. My wife and kids are still in cryo though. I wanted to scout the neighbourhood first, if you know what I mean.“

 

 „Eos would be better suited for a family. Just my opinion. Less scavengers. Less sulfur.“

 

 „More kett, as I hear. Have you met them? I hear they’re horrible monsters.“

 

„One, or twice. Not as impressive as everyone makes them out to be.“

 

 „Right, right, must be easy for a Spectre. We should have brought more of you. So, the person you came with, are they still in cryo, too?“

 

Avitus gave him a long look over his shoulder.

 

„No. He’s dead.“

 

„Oh, I’m-“

 

„Don’t. I’ve had enough of other people telling me how sorry they are. I swear the next person that says- wait!“

 

It was just a flash, but he saw movement on one of the hills. A bunch of raiders creeping up on them. By the way the acted, he would have guessed they were tailing them for at least an hour or so. Likely waiting for an opening. Avitus cursed. If he hadn’t been so distracted, he would have noticed them earlier.

 

 _If you hadn’t been so drunk. Pathetic._ Ah, there was Saren again. As if he was one to talk. At least he didn’t went off the deep end.

 

 _Right, you keep telling yourself_.

 

He grabbed the human by the shoulder and shoved him down behind the nearest shelter. Before he could protest though, Avitus was beside him. Motioning towards the men that slowly came closer.

 

„Are these the ones you saw earlier?“, his client asked breathlessly and ducked even lower behind the stone.

 

„Maybe“, Avitus lied and grabbed his gun just as the closest enemy came over the hill. He shot him without even waiting for the inevitable demand of credits.

 

„Shouldn’t we talk to them first? I mean, maybe we can bargain, or something?“

Avitus looked at him like he lost his mind. He had taken on a sickly light green colour again and looked like his was about to throw up. Or faint. Or both.

 

„ You can go out and do that if you want. But you pay me to get you to safety. Not make small talk with this scum.“

 

Besides, he wanted to blow off some steam. And these guys were just the way to do it.

 

He leaned out of the shelter and shot two more of them, one in the head and one in the leg. Sloppy, but it would do. Not like his buddies would have the time to get him and make a run for it. At least he could make someone suffer a little. Like he did.

 

He looked over the rock again. There were five of them left, four human, one turian. And the guy on the floor.

 

The humans posed no big challenge and he took them out quickly. Sure, he used more shots than he would have needed, but he got the job done.

 

His companion had long since rolled up in a ball and covered his ears with both his hands.

 

Without giving it much thought, Avitus suddenly got up and out of the safety of the rock.

 

„What are you doing?“, Steven squeaked, but made no move to pull him back.

 

The raider that was left seemed to be equally surprised to see him but recovered quickly. He lifted his gun and trained it on Avitus, who did the same. He knew he was better, and the other guy knew it, too. Still, he made no move to pull the trigger.

 

 _Let him do it_ , a voice in his head whispered, one that was solely his own. _Let him end your suffering. The human will make it on his own. Sure, he’ll lose his money, but he’ll live. You don’t have to._

The thoughts sounded reasonable and it was only his years of combat training that saved his life. The moment the other turian shot, his body moved instinctively and instead of his head, the shot only hit his shoulder. The raider fell moments later. He hadn’t even noticed, pulling the trigger.

 

Suddenly weary he holstered his gun and let himself fall heavily to the floor. The human didn’t give off any sign that he had noticed the end of the battle, but at the moment that was just fine.

 

One of his hand came up to his shoulder and when he pulled it back it was stained blue. He should probably get some medigel on it, but then again, why bother? Not like they were that far away from the outpost anyway. And every other gang close by would surely think twice before pissing him off again. Besides, it felt nice. Hurting somewhere else then his head. Or heart for that matter.

 

He used to be more careful than that. Mostly because of Macen. But he got himself killed as well, right? Why should Avitus be more careful?

 

_That’s not the same, Avi._

 

„Is it not?“

 

„W-what?“, his companion finally emerged from his defensive position and stared at him, like he had just seen him for the first time. Then he noticed the wound.

 

„You’re injured!“

 

„It’s fine. I’ve had worse. Much worse.“

 

„But-“

 

„We are almost there anyway. So, if you’re done crawling through the sand, we might just as well get going.“

 

He got to his feet in a motion that was a lot less graceful than it used to be and Steven soon followed. And almost immediately fell back on his rump when he finally noticed all the corpses.

 

„Oh Lord. How can you be so calm about all this?“

 

„Practice. Having a good teacher helps, too. Look, you’re not gonna black out, right? Carrying you around costs extra.“

 

„No, no. I’m good. Just, gimme a second.“

 

He slowly got up on his feet again, leaning heavily on the stone. Avitus rolled his eyes and walked a few steps to where the injured raider was still lying in a puddle of his own blood. Pathetic how quickly those humans bled out. Decidedly not fair how they always seemed to get away so easily. It was moments like these where he almost understood Saren’s dislike for them.

 

„Please.“, the guy whispered in between whimpers.

 

His companion came up next to him.

 

„Oh, he- he is still alive! We have to help him.“

 

„Do we? He would have taken your credits and left you to rot if it had been the other way around. We should just leave him to whatever crawls around here.“

 

Steven stared at him incredulously.

 

„You’re not serious, right? We can’t just leave him here. Let’s at least give him some medigel.“

 

Avitus sighed. That guy really knew how to kill his mood.

 

Wordlessly he made to patch the raider up, then sent him on his way.

 

„You know, I really can’t tell whether you’re a good guy or a major asshole.“, Steven said cautiously, as they resumed their way to the outpost.

 

„Neither can I these days.“, Avitus admitted.

 

~~~~~

 

Due to their unfortunate run-in with the raiders, the reached the outpost a little after sundown. They had just reached the first rudimentary building, when Steven insisted they report to the outpost leader as soon as possible.

 

„You know, I don’t get why they can’t just land our shuttles right here instead of making us do these life-threatening journeys through the countryside.“, Steven complained as he leaned against the nearest building to catch his breath.

 

„Beats me. Probably to keep a good relationship with the port.“, Avitus replied and kept his voice as neutral as possible. If they finally decided to do that, he would be out of a job.

 

While his companion regained his strength, Avitus took a look around. A few new buildings had been erected since the last time he was here, but the biggest chance was sure the huge antenna that throned over the outpost on top of the nearest hill. Probably thanks to Ryder, who seemed to be intend on doing every person that asked a personal favour.

 

He tried to picture himself running around as Pathfinder and helping every idiot that came crawling to his doorstep and finding he couldn’t. He just wasn’t made for it. Shoot something? Sure. But this... never. Then again, he never thought he had to make the decision. It wasn’t more than a formality at the time he agreed to be Macen’s successor. Never something that would actually happen

 

„That Ryder guy is sure something, right?“, Steven asked as if he had read his mind.

 

 „Yeah, right. If you’re good to go why don’t we find Christmas and get this over with?“

 

„Christmas?“

 

„Don’t ask.“

 

 

They didn’t have to look long. As per usual, the guy was staying up late and made sure his outpost was running as best as it could. Efficiency was something Avitus could get behind. Christmas would have made a good pathfinder, too.

 

„Hello Mr Rix and you must be Mr Williams. I expected the both of you an hour ago.“

 

Christmas didn’t even bother looking up from his datapad for longer than the second it took him to see who came into his office.

 

„Sorry about that, but we ran into some trouble.“, Steven answered and gestured to Avitus‘ injured shoulder before remembering that his opposite wasn’t even looking.

 

There were a few seconds of silence, and Avitus wondered if it would be considered rude to just demand his payment and get the hell out of there. After all, everything that went on from here on out had nothing to to with him. He might even make it back to the port before sunrise if he left right about now. But not without his pay.

 

„So you’re a... botanist, was it?“, Christmas asked and finally put the datapad on the desk behind him. Steven, who had fallen into some kind of awkward trance while he waited for the outpost leader to finish whatever important thing he was doing, came back to life so suddenly it made Avitus jump and started reciting everything he’d ever done in his life.

 

„Yes sir, I graduated from...“

 

Avitus tried to listen to Steven list up every backwater assignment ever, but soon felt himself drift in and out of consciousness. The long journey and the injury were finally taking their toll. The voices of the other men and they slow pulsing of the wound dulled down to mere echoes of themselves and he found himself swaying besides his best efforts to stay awake.

 

 „... _Barro..._ “

 

Avitus snapped back into awareness so abruptly that the two other men in the room gave him a startled glance.

 

„What?“, he asked and looked at them both with what must have been a look somewhere between eagerness and madness. It took him a few seconds and the mildly bemused looks of the others before he noticed none of them had talked for a good minute. Instead, the voice came out of the little radio, that stood on the desk, right next to where Christmas had left his datapad.

 

Avitus reached the table in two long strides and stared at the little box, willing the reporter to repeat what he had just said. He was almost certain his addled brain had played a trick on him, when the voice flared back up again.

 

„ _The turian pathfinder, who was believed to be killed in action upon Ark Natanus‘ arrival to the cluster earlier this year, was miraculously found alive on a remote planet two weeks ago. He is expected to make a full recovery and resume his duties as soon as possible. This is HNS.“_

Avitus stared at the radio in disbelief. He waited a few more minutes, hoping there would be more, but the only thing he got was a report about the newest kett attack on Voeld.

 

_Macen is alive?_

Slowly he turned around two face the other people in the room, who in turn stared at him like he had just lost his mind. And maybe he had. That wasn’t possible, right? He and Ryder hadn’t found a body, but the message... he still remembered every word, he remembered the _lack_ of words when it broke off in the middle, leaving him without a final goodbye, without hope.

 

„Did you- I mean, you right that too, right?“, he hated how shaky his voice sounded, how close to tears he was. That was just a cruel joke, right? It had to be. He needed to hear it was a joke, or a mistake. Anything. Already he felt hope flaring up inside of him, despite his better judgement.

 

Christmas and Steven exchanged a look of confusion. Then Christmas approached him slowly, hands held up in what must have been a soothing gesture. Didn’t do much for him, though.

 

„Yeah, we heard. It was all over the news two weeks go. Ryder and the Tempest picked up their distress signal. Your pathfinder was in pretty bad shape but they got him to the hospital in time.“

 

„Good thing too.“, Steven chimed in from behind. „I hear the guy who was supposed to replace him ran away like a coward. Probably couldn’t take the pressure. They should have picked someone else.“

 

The words should have stung, but Avitus barely heard them. He felt himself slide to the floor, saw his hand shaking, his vision blurring. Macen was alive, on the Nexus! A sob tore itself from his throat, but he was beyond caring. That was just... too much.

 

„Are you alright? Do you know him?“, Christmas asked and he heard the man make another tentative step towards him.

 

„Probably just happy his pathfinder made it. God knows these turians need some good news after what happened to the ark.“

 

Avitus wanted to tell him he didn’t give a damn about the other turians right know, but he didn’t trust his throat to work properly right know. Would’ve sounded childish, too.

 

Yet in all this unexpected joy he felt, he couldn’t help but feel furious at Ryder. He knew. He fucking knew that Avitus was on Kadara tearing himself up over Macen’s death, but the almighty Pathfinder couldn’t even spare one minute to come by and tell him about it. Instead he went about putting up radio towers and rescuing pyjacks from fucking trees.

 

 _Should have shot him on Havarl_ , he thought bitterly.

 

 _You’re forgetting something_ , Macen’s voice reminded him gently, making him suddenly aware that he had just gotten a chance at hearing it again.

 

But what was he forgetting? Something about Macen? About Ryder? He didn’t deem the other man a very important part of his everyday life, so it was not that he was giving him much thought.

 

A few weeks ago, they both had been here in the outpost at the same time. Avitus, to bring one of the new settlers over and Ryder, Ryder was walking through the streets with that smuggler of his, probably showing of his newest success. Their eyes had met then, across the street and Ryder... Avitus had been drunk, so it was hard to remember, but... He had called him. Had waved and called him over. But he really hadn’t been in the mood for yet another conversation about his drinking habits, or his career choices. So he had slipped between two buildings when he’s seen Ryder come over.

 

Ryder might have established the outpost, but Avitus spent a lot more time in its streets, so it wasn’t that hard to evade that fool with his every present smile. But as it turned out it was him who had been foolish.

 

„He wanted to tell me.“, he whispered, completely unaware of anyone else in the room. Maybe Macen had even asked him to.

 

_Macen..._

 

The thought hit him like a slap in the face.

 

_Knowing Macen, he’s out there looking for me._

An image came to his mind. His lover, lying in a hospital bed, waiting for Ryder to come back and bring Avitus with him. Still waiting. He faintly wondered what Ryder hat told him when he returned alone that day, but his mind was already racing to come up with a plan to get to the Nexus as soon as possible.

 

He sprung up from his place on the floor and found the it spinning for a few seconds, alcohol and blood loss be damned. Christmas took a step back, his hand automatically reaching for the gun at his hip.

 

„I need my payment, now.“, Avitus said, looking to Steven, who exchanged a look with Christmas agin, before he reluctantly raised his omni tool to make the transfer. Avitus was already halfway out the door, when the human’s squeaky voice called him back.

 

 „Wait!“

 

„What is it?“

 

„I just... I didn’t even thank you yet. So, thank you I guess. But,don’t you want to spend the night here and go back tomorrow morning? It’s dangerous outside and you’re injured.“

 

„He can handle himself.“, Christmas’ gruff voice interrupted before Avitus himself had time to reply. He looked at the man thankfully. They had met a few times already, usually when Avitus brought in a settler, but he was on good terms with Ryder, too. Maybe he knew who Avitus really was. Although he hoped the human pathfinder had the decency not to tell everyone about Avitus‘ private life.

 

Impatient to get going, Avitus hurried outside before anyone else could interrupt him. Still, could have sworn he heard Steven murmur something about _a bit of a drinking problem_. And he was right, too. Avitus would have like a drink right about now to calm his nerves and stop the shaking in his hands. Instead he made his way back to the port as fast as possible.

 

The sun threw its first weak rays over the mountains by the time he came back within site of the ugly lump that was Kadara port. Normally, he would have gone straight to the bar to congratulate him on a job well done, but for the first time in months, he actually had a goal to accomplish. It felt strange, not just living from day to day, but he welcomed the sense of purpose that came over him as he entered the elevator and took it up to the more respected part of the port.

 

When the elevator finally came to a rattling halt after what felt like half an eternity, he didn’t even wait for the doors to open completely before storming out into the docking area. Immediately his eyes swept the ships for the familiar shape of the Tempest, but Ryder’s ship was nowhere to be seen.

 

 _The transport will have to do then_ , he thought while frantically looking for one of the ships that normally escorted the settlers from the Nexus to the outposts. He finally found one and approached what looked to be its captain.

 

„I need to get to the Nexus.“, he said as a way of greeting.

 

The turian currently herding a bunch of frightened looking settlers out of the ship gave him a less than impressed once-over.

 

„You have credits?“

 

„What?“

 

„Trip here is free, so Tann gets these people out of the way. But if you want back, you have to pay. They want everyone _off_ the Nexus, not back on.“

 

„I have 1000 credits and then some.“

 

„Well, run along then and come back when you have 9000 more.“

 

Avitus stared at him in disbelief, but the other turian had already turned back to his ship.

 

„You don’t understand, it’s important. I need to get to the Nexus. Someone is waiting for me.“

 

His opposite’s mandibles clicked in distaste.

 

„I wouldn’t even care if the Primarch of Palaven is waiting for you. No credits, no service. Now move along before I get someone to do it for you.“

 

Avitus felt desperation flare up in him, but a bunch of guards had already noticed their exchange and moved in on him. He held up his hands and moved a few steps back. It wouldn’t do him or Macen any good if he got himself arrested now.

 

Defeated he made his way back to the market place and then to Chralla’s song. His ass hadn’t even hit his favourite spot when Umi came over and put a drink before him.

 

„Rough day?“, she asked in a voice that didn’t really sound like she was caring too much. Probably only tried to keep the paying customers happy.

 

„Depends, do you have 9000 credits to spare?“

 

„Sure, anything else you need? Maybe free drinks for lifetime?“

 

She snorted, than made her way back behind the counter to leave him to his thoughts. Not that it was all that easy to get them all in line.

 

 _I have to get to Macen_ , seemed to be the one that droned out all the others, but logically he knew that it made no sense to get out there again and jump on the nearest pirate vessel in the vain hope that they might keep their promise to bring him to the Nexus. Nevermind the fact that these guys wouldn’t even be allowed to board Tann’s little sanctuary. So he had to get a lot of money as fast as possible. Not that easy to come by. Best get on with the program and save what he could. Maybe tone it down on the drinking a little.

 

 _Easy enough_. He laughed quietly to himself as he saw the drink in front of him, and the way his hand was already shaking from not drinking anything since he left the port yesterday. Despite this, he shoved the glass away angrily and got up to catch a few hours of sleep. He had work to do.

 

His abstinence lasted about a day. At first he was worried that being stubborn and not treating his injury might pose a problem to his job, but when he and his newest client ran into another ambush, the shaking in his hands proved to be the real problem.

 

He needed more than ten shots to down a merc he would have normally finished in one. So he went back to the bar as soon as he returned to the port and drank a few glasses in quick succession. Immediately he felt better. Physically at least. Drinking away the money he needed to go and see Macen made him feel like a bigger failure than he already was.

 

 _I’m sorry, Macen. I’ll be better._ Tears welled up in his eyes and for the first time in his life, he didn’t feel liked wiping them away. Just one simple task, and he had failed even that.

 

The nights were even worse. Huddled in one of the containers down in the slums, he tossed and turned and got less sleep than ever before. Woke up in cold sweat, shivering. One night it got so bad that he was completely sure he imagined it all. The trip with Steven and the news he’d heard on the radio. All in his head. And the best part: He wasn’t even surprised. Of course it wasn’t real. He didn’t deserve it to be real. Macen was dead and it was all his fault. He should have made them stay in the Milky Way, should’ve tried harder finding Macen.

 

The next morning, naturally, he felt silly and the light of the day and the noise of the port chased all those dark thoughts away. That, and drinking himself into a stupor. Nothing new here.

 

Whenever he went to the port, he listened to the radios in hopes of hearing anything new about Macen or maybe seeing Ryder there again. But nothing. He even went as far as to seek that smuggler out but he too, seemed to have vanished somewhere. Combine that with the fact that he barely made any credits out of his jobs and he was pretty much fucked.

 

„And here I thought I would be a shitty Pathfinder. Turns out I’m a shitty everything.“, he said to no one in particular as he was sitting at his table in Chralla’s song again one night, his usual drink in hand and the self hatred firmly in place. Half of him was about ready to give up and just wait until Macen came and found _him_ , and the other half was horrified at the mere idea of his lover finding him like this. And for shame, too. He had barely eaten anything in the last week, mostly surviving off drinks and determinatio, just to see it all amount to nothing.

 

„You’re a wreck.“, Umi commented from behind her counter and even she didn’t have the heart to sound mean anymore. Probably meant he finally hit rock bottom. He merely laughed at her. If only she knew. He should be the happiest guy in this place. Instead he was close to giving it all up.

 

 _Maybe Macen would be better off without you anyway_. _Go have another drink and find yourself a hole to die in._

„Good idea.“, he whispered and downed the rest of the drink. Just when he was about to order the next one, he heard a familiar voice.

 

„If it isn’t my second favourite barkeep. What do you have for me today?“

 

 „A kick in the face if you start to mess up my place again.“

 

Avitus was about to duck away into the shadows of the bar and make his way out before he was spotted when he remember that Ryder was supposed to be the solution to all of his problems.

 

Slowly he turned around in his chair and chanced at look at the human, who was currently coming down to the counter and flopping down on the nearest bar stool. All by himself as it looked. Not much longer, if he had to guess. As usual he was all easy smiles and loud confident voice and Avitus still couldn’t stand the sight of him. But even he had to admit he owed him. For Macen.

 

Slowly he got to his feet and made his way over to the bar, where had to lean heavily onto the counter.

 

„Ryder.“, he said without even looking at the other man.

 

Spirits, how he hated asking for help. Always had. Something Saren had taught him early on. Help was for the weak. But this was about Macen. Saren and his stupid pride be damned.

 

„Avitus! Wow, what a coincidence. I was looking for you, actually, you won’t believe- man , you look like shit!“

 

He gave Ryder a nasty side glance, but found the human looking at him in earnest shock. That bad, huh? He chuckled.

 

„I don’t care. I need your help. To get to the Nexus.“

 

„So, you already know, huh?“

 

„It was on the news.“

 

Ryder made to grab him by the shoulder again, the way he had already done on the ark, but his hand stopped midway.

 

„Look, I was trying to tell you, really. But you’re a hard man to find when you want and I had-“

 

„-better things to do? Yeah, I get it. So did I. So are you gonna help me or not?“

 

 Ryder retracted his hand and instead took a sip out of his own glass. Then he suddenly directed a lopsided grin at him.

 

„So... you need a... _ride_?“

 

Avitus stared at him blankly. The human laughed, then cleared his throat.

 

„You get it? Because... ah, nevermind, wasn’t very good.“

 

A few minutes passed with neither one saying a word. Avitus wanted to get going as soon as possible, but realistically Ryder was probably just killing time so one of his crew members could do whatever the came to do. Didn’t mean he had to like it, though.

 

„He misses you, you know?“, Ryder said suddenly, his voice unusually quiet.

 

Avitus almost couldn’t breathe. It was one thing to hear about Macen in the news but quite the other to hear it from someone who had actually talked to him.

 

„What- what else did he say?“

 

Ryder laughed.

 

„Oh, a lot. Talks like a salarian on coffee, that one. Mostly a bunch of smart stuff I don’t get. And you. Always you. The nurse had to knock him out once because he wanted to come and get you himself.“

 

Avitus could almost see it. Macen jumping running around with that never ending energy of his, already halfway out the door when the nurse got him and dragged him back to bed.

 

They didn’t talk much more after that. Ryder informed him that they would leave after his friend Vetra had hunted down a few supplies for the Nexus and that was it. He was dying to hear how bad Macen was injured, if there was any permanent damage, but at the same time he was afraid of the answer. So he didn’t ask and distracted himself with another drink, a fact that Ryder seemed to be rather unhappy with. But, same as him, the human kept his mouth firmly shut. Not his place to judge anyway, being with him in the bar and all.

 

After what seemed like hours, Vetra finally came striding in with what looked like the face of someone who had accomplished everything she came out to do and more. Avitus almost envied her. Seemed like ages ago when things went right for him. She made to call Ryder over, but froze mid-movement when she caught sight of Avitus.

 

„That bad?“, he whispered to Ryder and for the first time he was actually a little concerned. What would Macen think?

 

„You... have looked better in the past.“, Ryder amended and got up from his stool.

 

„Okay, you wanna leave? I heard there’s someone waiting for you.“, he said and went over to where Vetra was still waiting, Avitus followed close behind, eager to get going.

 

 

 

He was impressed how much more advanced the Tempest looked on the inside, but Ryder didn’t give him much time to appreciate the view. Instead, he was ushered from the hangar straight to what looked to be the med bay.

 

„You look like you could use a check up. Besides, Lexi is an expert on everything alien.“, Ryder explained as he finally turned around and saw the betrayed look on Avitus‘ face.

 

„How long will this take, exactly?“, he asked and looked wearily at the asari, who was already closing in on him with her equipment.

 

„Don’t worry, not longer than the trip to the Nexus, I guess. Not that I know how long that is. I spent my time with research and hanging out with my crew, you know? Time flies when you have fun.“

 

„I get it.“

 

„If nothing unforeseen happens, we should reach our destination in approximately two hours, Pathfinder.“, SAM’s electronic voice informed them.

 

Avitus shivered. Ever since they found its turian counterpart, that sound always gave him the creeps. Too many bad memories there. He was glad the thing was out of his head. Ryder seemed to have felt his unease, because he excused himself rather quickly and left Avitus in the care of the doctor. She, in turn wasn’t to concerned with his feelings, and gave him quite the earful about the state his wound was in. Murmured something about _boneheaded turians, almost as bad as krogans_.

 

After she finally let him go, he took a quick shower to get rid of the worst of Kadara’s stench and then made his way to the bridge, where he stayed at his spot near the escape pod’s door. None of Ryder’s crew seemed to intent on coming up here, whether it was out of lack of interest or if they wanted to give him some space he couldn’t tell. Probably the latter, if the general reaction to himself was any implication. And he had to admit, they were right. The alcohol and the lack of proper food sure took its toll. Still, he wasn’t really a big fan of their sympathy, so it was probably for the better that they didn’t come by and try to talk to him. Even if Vetra looked like she wanted to.

 

He spent the rest of their trip looking out the front window and admiring the view. Macen was right, the stars really did look different here. He might have even considered them beautiful, if his mind hadn’t been so occupied with thoughts of his lover. The trip itself seemed to take longer than two hours. More like two days, but then his perception of time might be a little off.

 

So it was really no wonder that the end of their journey surprised him the way it did. One minute the where near the Pfeiffer system and the next, he could see the Nexus coming up in front of them.

 

 As soon as the docked, he hand almost immediately made his way to his flask. Wouldn’t do him much good showing up in front of Macen shivering like a leaf. That was a conversation for another time.

 

„You excited?“, Ryder asked as he came up behind him, having discarded his armor for something more comfortable.

 

„No.“, Avitus said. And it wasn’t even a lie. At least not completely. Sure, he was exhilarated at the thought of seeing Macen, but he also thought of all the ways this meeting could go wrong. What if Macen was angry at him for abandoning his post? For not showing up sooner?

 

_Doesn’t matter. He lives, that’s what’s important. So let him be angry all he wants. It’s okay._

 

He took a few deep breaths, than followed Ryder out onto the Nexus. It was strange being back here. With the exception of maybe a few days, he hadn’t spent much time here. Before hitting Kadara he was mostly running around trying to gather information on the Natanus, and there was pretty little to go around the station. But to see it so full of life now... was quite something else. Almost like all the hardship of their arrival hadn’t happened at all. He even saw a fair bunch of his own people running around, although he noticed too many of them wearing the same haunted expression he himself must be displaying quite often when he thought no one looked.

 

„Hospital’s this way.“, Ryder interrupted his thoughts. Avitus had almost forgotten the man was still there. He would have gladly ditched him, now that he got where he wanted to be, but the human seemed intend on bringing him all the way to the hospital. And if he was really unlucky, all the way to Macen’s bedside.

 

„This is gonna be great!“, the Pathfinder exclaimed and stretched out his arms to bask in the artificial sunlight.

 

„We’re not here on a camping trip.“

 

„You’re incredibly uptight, you know? Maybe we should stop by the bar first.“

 

Avitus said nothing, just clenched him fists really hard. What an ass. He really didn’t get what people liked so much about him. Or maybe he just had the wrong kind of humour. Or Ryder was right. Regardless of his feelings he was stuck with him for now. At least until the got to the hospital.

 

 When they arrived at the hospital, Avitus was amazed how many turians they saw. Most of them had only minor injuries, likely sustained when SAM had flushed them out the airlock, but he saw a whole bunch just sitting on the benches in the waiting room staring at nothing. Some where even murmuring to themselves. He shuddered. That was much too close to home.

 

„You ready?“, Ryder asked. Thankfully it seemed like he left this attitude at the front door. Or maybe he found the last shred of decency that was left in him and was trying not the throw more salt into his wounds.

 

„Give me a minute.“ So this was it. In a few minutes, he would see Macen again. He felt his heart rate increasing. His hands were shaking again, but for once, the alcohol was not to blame. He had seen this moment in his dreams the moment he woke up on Havarl, but nothing really lived up to the real thing. And funny that two weeks ago he thought the real thing would be him ending up dead in a ditch. He had hoped for it even. Part of him still did. But he couldn’t let himself dwell on it now. Not when Macen was so close.

 

He took another deep breath, then he slowly walked up to the reception, where a busy looking nurse seemed to be organising patient information in order of importance. Ryder was following close behind, but stayed silent.

 

„Um, hello.“, Avitus said, not really sure how to start the conversation. One more reason he was a better Spectre than Pathfinder. More action, less talk. The nurse stopped going through her files and gave him an irritated look.

 

„If you need treatment, fill out this form. Then sit down and wait like everyone else..“

 

„N-no, I’m here to see someone.“

 

She gave him a critical look and he was suddenly even more aware of how bad he must look to her.

 

„You sure? Well, your problem. It’s not like we have the personnel anyway. Not with those bastards preferring to thaw out soldiers left and right. You know what happens when there are only soldiers and no doctors?“

 

„Uh...“

 

She shook her head.

 

„Nevermind, none of your concern, right? You look more like the former anyway.  So, who did you want to visit?“

 

„Macen Barro.“

 

It felt strange saying his name like that. Like he was some stranger. It was wrong somehow. Probably what the nurse thought to, because she looked at him like he had lost his mind.

 

„Sorry, no well-wishers anymore. He needs his rest. If you’re not family, you can’t go in.“

 

„But-“

 

„No buts. Now move along, you smell like you just crawled out of a sulfur pit.“

 

Avitus stared at her in disbelief. She couldn’t just... he needed to see him. He felt his hand reach for his gun, but found another one already there. He turned his head and found that Ryder had stepped up next to him.

 

„Listen, lady. I know there are probably dozens of people wanting to see him and I get that he needs some sleep, but I bet he has time to see his boyfriend, no?“

 

The human gave him a sharp look and Avitus reluctantly let his hand fall back to his side. For a moment, he was a little afraid of himself. He wasn’t really sure what he had planned to do with that gun, but there weren’t many things he wouldn’t do to see Macen. Especially after all this time. He had a feeling that neither Ryder nor Macen would appreciate it if he shot himself through, though.

 

The nurse looked at Ryder in annoyance.

 

„Why didn’t he say so in the beginning?“

 

„He’s shy.“

 

Ryder gave her one of these smiles that he probably thought were rather charming. The woman just shook her head and motioned them to follow him.

 

„The hell was that?“, Ryder asked as soon as she was out of earshot.

 

„I don’t know. I just... she didn’t understand.“

 

„You need to get a grip on yourself! You can’t just shoot anyone you don’t like.“

 

„As if I don’t know that.“

 

Avitus gave Ryder a pointed look, but the human didn’t seem to pick up on it. Or didn’t want to. Either way, he owed the guy again.

 

„Thanks.“, he managed, but Ryder just waved if off.

 

„If it helps you get your act together. I’m also doing it for him.“

 

A feeling Avitus could get behind rather easily. Macen had that effect on people.

They followed the nurse in silence for a few more minutes. Along the way, the passed a few open rooms and Avitus thought he recognized a few of the Natanus‘ original bridge crew. Probably people that were picked up along with Macen.

 

„Here we are.“, the nurse finally said and came to a halt in front of a closed door.

 

„Try not to make it too long. He’s still not back in shape.“

 

„I will.“, Avitus said and nodded in thanks as she made her way back to the reception. He made a step towards the door, than stopped. He turned around to Ryder.

 

„You’re not gonna come along, right?“

 

Ryder grinned.

 

„No, just making sure you’re not murdering anyone while you’re here. I’ll just wait outside.“

 

Avitus nodded and then entered before his nerves got the better of him.

 

Macen had been reading, but as soon as he heard the door open, he dropped the datapad to see who it was. Avitus felt like he had the first time they met. Even then, he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Granted, it had been the middle of a battle back then, but Macen still looked as radiant as he had back then.

 

„Took you long enough, Avi.“, he said and smiled up at Avitus.

 

Instead of answering he ran over to the bed so fast it almost felt like he was flying. He hoisted Macen halfway out of bed and into his arms. Macen wound his arms around his neck and Avitus in turn burrowed his face into his lover’s neck. It was almost surreal. Like a dying man’s fever dream. And maybe it was. Maybe the raider hadn’t hit his shoulder after all and he was currently lying on the floor bleeding out while that human tried to keep him alive. Either way, having Macen back in his arms was worth it all.

 

Far too soon for his own liking, Macen freed himself from his arms and fell back onto the bed with a pained grunt. Avitus had to refrain from pulling him right back.

 

„Did I hurt you?“, he asked instead and gave his lover a concerned look.

 

„No, just the wound acting up again. Doesn’t take to kindly to squeezing.“

 

To prove his point, Macen pulled up his shirt and showed him the injury. It didn’t look pretty. Big parts of his left side were covered with black scorch marks that reminded Avitus of the surface of the planets hit by the Scourge. His hands itched to touch it, to make if feel better, but realistically, he would have only hurt Macen more. So he settled for taking one of Macen’s hand into his.

 

„What happened?“, he asked while Macen pulled his shirt back down.

 

„You know the basics. We hit the Scourge, I got injured, thought I wouldn’t make it. Next thing I know, I wake up one some planet. The captain had abandoned the ark, that coward. Dragged me along, too. Guess I should thank him, but it still makes me feel like I failed my job. Ryder picked us up after a few months. And now I’m here. That’s it.“

 

Avitus laughed at the nonchalant way Macen rattled it all down, sounding almost bored.

 

„But you know, the planet was really interesting. Pity I was down with a fever for most of it. Maybe we can go back there and take a closer look later. The fauna was-“

 

„I missed you.“, Avitus blurted out suddenly.

 

He hadn’t meant to, but he knew that once Macen started talking about his job, it would be a while before he stopped again. And Avitus wasn’t quite ready to pretend all of this never happened.

 

Macen dropped his free hand where he had begun to gesture wildly and gave him one of these soft looks Avitus hated so much with other people.

 

„I missed you, too.“

 

Macen pressed his forehead against Avitus‘ for a moment.

 

„I’m also really angry, Avi.“

 

„I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner.“

 

„That’s not it.“

 

Macen leaned back and regarded him thoughtfully.

 

„I’m sorry I didn’t take the job. I just... I couldn’t. Not with you gone.“

 

„I’m not angry about that, either. It’s you. Just look at you, Avi.“

 

Avitus looked down at himself. It was probably too much to hope that Macen might not see the damage his life on Kadara had done.

 

„That is-“

 

„-nothing? How could you do that to yourself? Drinking, playing merc? That’s not you, you’re better than that.“

 

Avitus let go of Macen’s hand and started pacing the room.

 

„You think? I never wanted to come here, Macen. It was all for you! What was I supposed to do without you? There was nothing left, I just... wanted it all to go away. Don’t you think I don’t know that I let you down? But you were gone and I had to go on somehow. Sorry if it’s not the way you wanted to.“

 

His voice had gotten louder the longer he went on and when he finally turned around to face Macen he felt bad almost immediately. It wasn’t fair to shout at him, not now. Not when he looked so small and tired in his hospital bed. But he needed him to understand.

 

„I’m sorry.“, Macen just said and rubbed his temple. „You’re right. Your life, your decision. I just... wanted what’s best for you.“

 

Avitus came back to the bed and sat down on the chair that he had previously ignored.

 

„I know. But you’re best for me. Us... that’s the only thing that kept me sane. The council, the things Saren did, it was all so small compared to coming home to you.“

 

Macen chuckled.

 

„I’m that good, huh?“

 

„Yeah.“

 

They fell silent after that, just enjoying each others company. Avitus had taken Macen’s hand back in his own, and Macen had made himself comfortable in his bed again.

 

Just when Avitus thought his lover had fallen asleep, he slowly opened his eyes again.

 

„Avi?“

 

„Hmm?“

 

„Do you think you could...?“

 

He shuffled over in the bed a little until he was all the way at the end of it. Avitus gave him a questioning look.

 

„The nurse won’t be very happy.“

 

„Neither will I. Who are you more concerned about?“

 

Avitus couldn’t really argue with that. He let go of Macen’s hand and slowly made his way onto the bed until Macen’s head was safely resting on his shoulder.

 

„Better?“

 

„Much.“


End file.
